I am coming to youuuu…

Thus speaks a low, ominous, English-speaking voice that reminded me instantly of Longmont Potion Castle’s prank calls. Only this time, the prank had the potential to escalate into an act of war.

The U.S. Navy is in the strait of Hormuz. Iran doesn’t like that, but the U.S. Navy rules the seas unchallenged, so they can’t do anything about it. So what to they do to act out frustrations? First, the downright odd kidnapping of British sailors that ended with them getting Iranian gift bags and a photo op with the head puppet, now this: speedboats weaving around AEGIS destroyers.

The commanders of the American ships had a very big decision: they could continue warning the boats – in which case they may ram into them and cause severe damage and loss of life – or open fire on the boats – eliminating the threat. The first choice, Iran starts a war; the second choice, it’s us.

Neither happened. The Iranians, ever the noncommittal (from naval maneuvers to democracy), turned tail. Probably a good choice, considering they were a couple speedboats messing around with a destroyer, a cruiser, and a frigate – all told, about 22,000 tons of steel, armor, guns, and missiles.

So what was it? A big prank? Jackass does Iran?

Bush didn’t spent a lot of time on his response (his public speaking seems to be getting worse as his term fizzles out), basically “Provocative act…dangerous situation…they shouldn’t have done it.” I agree wholeheartedly. Last thing we need is speedboats ramming our warships. My taxes paid for that shit.

Perhaps the strangest thing about the incident was not the chutzpah required for them to pull that off without getting killed, but the hilarious voice they used to communicate: “You will explohhhhde after a few minutes.” Frankly, he sounded high. And the comic timing of the two lines he spoke was spot on.

One thing we know about our future Iranian enemies: They can’t do anything that doesn’t come off as simultaneously pathetic and mind-bendingly weird.