Contemplating a future idiocracy

I urge everyone who hasn’t to watch the Mike Judge (Office Space, King of the Hill) film called “Idiocracy.” Not because it’s a good film – frankly I couldn’t take any more and stopped watching after the first hour or so. While it grew increasingly unwatchable, it didn’t stop being a disturbingly, head-bludgingingly accurate depiction of a nation with Sarah Palin as president.

I purposefully omit her title “Alaska Governor,” because, well, as she seems to believe it’s a title with no value – something to be tossed aside whenever she pleases – I will show it no more value or respect than she has by announcing she’s resigning this month. The way Sarah Palin operates in the political world sometimes beggars belief; sometimes inducing concussion-inducing facepalms; other times a thumbs-up and a wink and one of those long, polite O….kays. Sarah Palin puts Hoovers in glass cases and hangs lobsters from the louvre. Some sigh and flip her off; some fawn and bow down before her. And shell out cash. She’s a political Jeff Koons.

Just as some believe Jeff Koons (or that Gehry dude, who conceptulizes buildings based on crumpled tinfoil) is a genious and a visionairy and God incarnate, many will see Palin’s move as a smart one. If you’re not running for re-election, why deal with lame-duckness, like George W. Bush? Why not just quit? I mean, it’s not like Alaska needs a governor. It just needs some orderly to hand out state oil profit checks to the people (because that’s not socialist at all.)

Still, everyone know’s what’s up: Alaska is too far away and too weird to remain her base of operations. She’s moving to Iowa and pitching a tent…barely six months into the term of the man who beat her. You hear “Crazy” or “Crazy like a FOX” and people chortle because it’s clever to say she’s clever like a fox because she’s attractive and manages to still look foxy after pumping out enough kids to field her own baseball team. It’s true, she, like a fox, has an uncanny drive to survive by any means necessary – even by adapting to habitats that are more densely populated by humans. but foxes stay out of the spotlight.

Time and again, Sarah Palin has dismissed true knowledge of crucial political subjects like domestic and foreign policy, the economy, etc. as meaningless. As long as she smiles and talks tough, she thinks she’ll be fine. Even if what she’s saying is nothing but boilerplate gobbledygook; just going through the motions. Palin doesn’t want to go through petty things like vetting, interviews, debates, or town halls. She wants to talk, and she demands you listen and fawn, and she wants your vote. She believes she’s shed something that every other politician still has – a belief that your style will only take you so far, and you must have substance to back it up.

Perhaps she never shed it, because she never had it; because she possesses something far more valuable: uncanny instincts, and absolutely nothing else. Palin was put on this earth to win. Win basketball games, win husbands, win baby-making contests, and win elections. Not through knowledge, wisdom, and certainly not through preparation or any other external stimuli. She was born ready, and she wins by her will and her will alone. Yes, she plays the same game all other politicians play, but I believe her when she says she’s a maverick, because unlike all those others, she is doing what she was born to do.

We got off easy last time. I mean, she couldn’t very well push an honorable war hero who crashed one too many of his daddy’s planes off the stage; she’d lose too much of her base. So she’ll wait until the next election and this time, there won’t be any old men stealing her spotlight. God help anyone who stands between her and her victory. And then, after she’s painted the White House mauve, cancelled all government programs, and handed power either to her husband or to the corporations, we’ll be well on our way to Idiocracy.

We might as well all get total frontal lobotomies now, if we don’t want to end up in Abu Ghraib II or New Guantanamo.

Iran and a hard place

These are interesting, groundbreaking, and heartbreaking times in Iran.

After days of presistent protests – relatively peaceful by day, horrifying at night – Ayatollah Khamenei has put his foot down – the elections were “fair”, rigging on the scale alleged is “impossible,” and the political elite would be held “responsible” if demonstrations continue; a thinly-veiled threat at his man Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s moderate opponent, Mir Hossein Mousavi. He has come out giving fair warning to those who still want to stir up trouble. History shows that men with such absolute power as Khamenei have many options at this point.

It was only a few weeks ago the 20-year anniversary of the massacre at Tiananmen Square passed. So confident was the communist authoritarian regime in China, they did not hesitate to fire randomly into crowds of unarmed civilians, snuffing out the tiny spark of revolution before it became a flame. The fear of torture and death still keeps the Chinese in line to this day, and their leaders have never been more confident.

Khamenei has seemed less confident after what may have been an unexpected or at least underestimated outcry from Mousavi’s supporters. Still, I believe were he a more foolish dictator, the protests thus far would have been far bloodier; so far about a dozen deaths are attributed to them, as opposed to the scores of dead and maimed at Tiananmen, or more recently in Tibet and Burma.

Khamenei’s apparent “patience’ towards those who lost out is a valuable window for America, yet pragmatist Obama, who seems more invested in the future of engagement with Iran’s current regime than providing more fuel for the Anti-American fire in Iran through political “meddling.” As much as I want Obama to speak out in support of those who are demonstrating and laying down their lives, America’s track record with intervention has been so poor of late, we cannot afford another defeat.

What vexes me is, sure, Khamenei predicted the outcome before the polls even closed, but what if he hadn’t foreshadowed the result? What if instead he’d allowed Iran’s electoral system to carefully and deliberately count the votes – a process lasting days – and Ahmadinejad still won? He remained, and remains, immensely popular amongst the poor and uneducated of the country.

Much of Iran’s moderate, educated population is in the capital, Tehran; they’re a very vocal, very visible minority, but still a minority. It would be better if they weren’t, but they are; the votes of the rural poor don’t count any less than theirs. Wrong-headed and self-defeating it may be, but it’s entirely possible 11 million more Iranians voted for Mahmoud than Mousavi.

The problem is, that result doesn’t look legitimate. The timing was all off and Mahmoud’s victory came too quickly. When the Gazans voted in Hamas, it was a clear electoral victory. It could have been in Iran too, that Ahmadinejad won fair and square, but it’s too late for that now, and even if he had beaten Mousavi fair and square, a lot of moderate Iranians would still be protesting today.

The reason for this is obvious – whether he actually won or the election was fixed: he’s the wrong choice. With him as their president for four more years, Iran’s future remains uncertain; it’s destiny ominous. Ahmadinejad will continue to spend most of his time ruffling feathers and stoking foreign resentment than fixing the economy. Iranians – even those who voted for him – deserve better.

Morning car make tally

Now that I carpool, and I’m a passenger rather than a driver every other day (which is brilliant, by the way), I am afforded certain boons. Specifically, I can not pay attention to where I’m going and simply watch the car pass things and be passed by things. When I was smaller, I’d take such opportunities to see what people were driving, and I chose to try that again this morning.

A few notes: this is totally unscientific; if I see a car on the road and recognize it, I make a tally. This can get hectic in built-up areas, so I limit my tallies to the largest automakers – the Detroit 3, the Japan 3, and the VW Group. I threw BMW in there because there are a lot of them in the Delaware valley, far more than Mercs. All other indie brands (Subaru, Mitsu, Hyundai/Kia, etc.) were not included this time.

Location: Greater Philadelphia
Roads: Green Lane; I-76W; I-476W; West Chester Pike

GM – 41
Ford – 41
Toyota – 39
Honda – 37
Chrysler – 17
Nissan – 16
VW – 12
BMW – 4

Supremely screwed

For thirty years, Iran’s leaders have continuously lauded their grand Islamic revolution. Now that the theocracy has seriously cheesed off at least half of the Iranian people by deciding to fix the “election” so Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gets four more years.

If they don’t play their cards right, they’ll soon see the proper meaning of the word revolution. This time, however, the Ayatollah will play the role of the shah.

I’m not saying their grip on power will weaken with this blatant slap in the face of quasi-democracy those Iranians apparently cherish (aren’t they aware the Ayatollah is essentially their dictator, and the President is merely a puppet?), but it has certainly opened a lot of eyes in Iran, and may wrest some from apathy to action.

Unfortunately, this could all end in violence and the destabilization of yet another Islamic country in a region that already has plenty.

Would it have been so hard to actually take the time to count the votes in the first place, and allow Ahmadinejad’s more moderate opponent the chance to win or lose legitimately?

GaMe over for the automotive pyro

GM went to Congress numerous times to beg for billions in emergency loans to keep the struggling automaker afloat, and most of the time, they got those loans. Now that they’re filing for bankruptcy and the government is taking a controlling share in the company, I believe it is now the time to stop the pretense and charades and start looking at GM for what it is and what it has been for decades: the corporate equivalent of Afghanistan or Somalia; and utterly failed state.

As a taxpayer who surrenders not inconsiderable chunks of my paycheck to the government on a biweekly basis, I am a shareholder in the U.S. Government. Since GM and the government are now essentially one and the same (again, when one sweeps away all the pomp and pretense), democracy should have a greater role in GM’s fate. On principle I cannot allow the government to blindly inject chunks of Americans’ hard earned wages and salary down the GM toilet forever.

I’m going to want some of my money back, please. I am asking Obama and the government nicely now, but my patience, and that of the American public, is not as limitless as the U.S. Mint’s ink supply.

Since we are breaking ever new ground on the encroachment of government on business – necessity aside – we must also break ground on the contract between government and its shareholders. We will still pay taxes, and the government will still have the latitude to do with them what they see fit, but when they start financing corporations that cannot help themselves, some of that cash will have to be sent back to us eventually.

I don’t care how they do it, but bankrupcy or not, General Motors had better pay back its loans to the American people. I will be watching very closely to see how serious they are about regoranizing into a profitable and competitive company, and how they plan to repay us for the risks they have forced upon us.

If they shirk their responsibilities for any reason, then capitalism will have failed in its current form. Capitalism cannot work if private citizens have to follow the rules, but large companies don’t. GM can make things right. If they don’t, I hope the American car buyer turns on them for good – even if it hurts their own interests as virtual shareholders.

GM has long been an unapolagetic thief and a lazy, cynical, hard-headed, short-sighted automaker who snatches money from citizens regardless of whether they buy their cars or not and then spits in their faces as a thank you. Hopefully those times are over, but old habits die hard.

As hard as it may be to swallow, they deserve liquidation and oblivion ten times over, not resurrection. And no part of the company should see one dime of profit before their financeers and shareholders – us – get back what we’re owed.

Yeah, that’ll never happen, I know…

Finally, I cringe just as much as the next guy at the prospect of a government that can barely manage itself could try to manage General Motors, but their assurances that they won’t are just as worrying to me. I don’t trust the government or the corporate elite who ‘run’ GM.

Imagine if GM was an pyromaniac who had torched his house. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, but regardless, the government reacts by building a new house for the pyro, but lets him keep as much gas and matches as he wants, to avoid any perception of intrusion. And the house is still made of wood. All well and good, but has GM the pyro really learned his lesson? I forsee future flameups.

12 awful cars

I’ve compiled a list of vehicles currently sold in America that are generally a waste of time, period. In my opinion. Be it bad ideas, bad timing, bad execution; poor quality, all of the above or something else, something intangible, something about them that just rubs me the wrong way… I feel every vehicle in this group has a good reason to be here, and why I’d never recommend them to anyone. There is no ranking, the vehicles are merely in alphabetical order. Well, enough gum-flappin’…On with the awfulness!

BMW X6 – “The Circus Freak” – BMW has justly received a lot of flak for their generally ugly vehicles designs, c/o outgoing Yank designer Chris Bangle. The 3 refresh and redesigned 7 and Z4 point to progress on the looks front, but that isn’t their only problem. BMW is obsessed with niche vehicles, and a case in point is the X6, the world’s first “Sport Activity Coupe.” For nearly 60 large, you get a fairly awkward looking, frumpy tall wagon with delusions of sportiness despite its high moment of inertia. You also get only 300 horsepower, which is less than a Hyundai these days, and an unacceptable 20 mpg highway. Keep away, and if you see a red one on the roads, point and laugh.

Chrysler Aspen/Chrysler Aspen Hybrid – ” The Green Glutton” – Recently Jeremy Clarkson mentioned hating a car he was driving so much, he thought about crashing it so he didn’t have to drive it anymore. My dad apparently did this to an Aspen years and years ago, when Aspen was a car, not a truck. The thing is, this new, short-lived Aspen is much, much worse. That old Aspen had an excuse; it was the seventies. In the 21st century, Chrysler has no business building a dinosaur juice guzzler so big and crappy, even the hybrid version gets only 20 mpg on the highway. Thankfully, production of this monstrosity is in limbo.

Chrysler Sebring – “The Gargoyle” – This car looks horrible from every angle, the automatic folding convertible top leaves an unsightly seam across the bulbous rear, the interior quality is laughable, the performance is anemic, the suspension is a mess, and even it’s name is an insult to a race I admittedly know little about. It’s never good when the previous generation of a model was better than the newest one. That’s the case with the track-wreck Sebring.

Dodge Caliber/Jeep Patriot/Jeep Compass – “The Triplets of Malevolence” – Some people like to put “skins” on their MP3 player or MySpace page. Chrysler likes to put “skins” on their crappy small car – three, to be exact. These three models are the same car. In baseball parlance, they’re three strikes, which equal an out. Cutters will rejoice at the interior craftsmanship, since just about every surface is marked with hard plastic panels with seams so sharp you’ll open your veins if you don’t stay alert. Imagine the ridiculousness of telling the ER doctor you received your laceration from a cupholder. These soulless gumdrops invite such situations.

Ford Focus – “The Eyesore” - I can see where they were going…the Fusion had a three-bar chrome Gilette shaver grille, so why not give the new Focus two? Because the result resembles the hideous result of unnecessary surgery. The old Focus looked a bit dull, but it was a clean, cohesive design. Not so with this refresh. Worse still, hapless Americans still buy these like nothing’s wrong, but something is wrong, very wrong…the Europeans’ version of the Focus is so much better in every way, the least Ford could have done is rename our version to something more fitting…like, I dunno…pooheap.

Kia Borrego – “The Irrelevancy” – The Ford Explorer SUV was unveiled in 1991. 18 years later, Kia has entered the classic SUV fray with the Borrego. The first time I saw Borregos, they were towing July 4th floats in Philly. Not only is this extremely late to the SUV game, it offers nothing new or original. It is plain oatmeal – thirsty oatmeal – and for a Kia-branded product, it is overpriced as well. The new kid on the SUV block may well be one of the most short-lived.

Mercedes-Benz GL-Classe – “The Entilter” – My main gripe with this car is it looks like a horridly-stretched and widened ML, which it sorta is. Apparently if the five seats in an ML aren’t enough and you need a Mercedes SUV, you buy a GL, but every time I’ve seen one (and I see a lot, living just north of the second-richest state in the US and just south of one of the nation’s richest counties)  it’s being driven by one single solitary little WASPy woman. With its Blue-tec fake-pee-injected diesel engine it can be quite efficient, but it costs too much for something from Juarez that isn’t drugs.

Mitsubishi Galant – “The Big Bore” - I have always loved Mitsubishi. The spunky Colt Vista was a triumph of versatility and door-thinness. The ’87 Plymouth Voyager sported the torquey Mitsu 3.0 liter V6, which sounded like a V8 if you replaced the air filter. They made great televisions, too. And some of their newer cars are fine too -  the Outlander, the Eclipse, and especially the Lancer Evo X. That last one is what is so vexing…if Mitsu can build such a fantastic sports car that also has real-world practicality, how on earth was the Galant conceived? Where all the Lancer guys banned from the process? The answer is they needed a family sedan that was big and dull enough to compete with the Camry, Accord, and Altima, which it doesn’t anyway because even those cars are more interesting and don’t have crappy plastic interiors. It was simply a bad move to offer nothing remotely original or novel.

Nissan Armada/Infiniti QX56 - “The Screwed Pooch(es)” – Dogs love trucks, proclaimed a guy standing in for Yutaka Katayama, the man responsible for the Z and popularizing the little Nissan pickup. Well, the apple has fallen very far from the tree, because Nissan’s trucks are now big, heavy, and overwrought. The idea for the Pathfinder was a good one, too: a two-door rough-and-ready 4×4 wagon. Again, they took the concept too far with the Armada, and further still with the QX56. These vehicles take up an obscene amount of space for no reason. They have huge V8s in order to drag that mass along. They’re abysmally inefficient and offensively boorish. So basically, dogs only ‘kinda like’ these trucks.

Scion xB - “The Cyanide Jellybean” – The first xB was awesome; a fish out of water (actually, a subcompact out of Japan) brought across the Pacific with little or no modification. Despite its flawed windscreen design (which is prone to cracking,) it endeared itself to me every time I got in one simply because it was so space efficient. So Toyota decided to let a good thing die and replace it with something more than 50% bigger and heavier, with larger blind spaces. It is more spacious, but the cleverness and quirkiness are gone. It’s now a soft, smushy clown car.

Toyota Highlander – “The Steel Sunblocker” I never liked the idea of replacing the Camry wagon with something taller. Frankly, I don’t see the appeal of driving around on stilts. But the old Highlander wasn’t that big, or at least it didn’t look or feel that big. It just blended in with its environment, wherever it was. Enter the new Highlander, which is a highly efficient CUV that blocks out the sun, and possibly the first of its kind to be modeled after an African elephant. As a rule, I often refuse to offer the drivers of these new Highlanders common road courtesy, simply because they were discourteous enough to subject the rest of the world to their ridiculously huge Camry wagon.

Toyota Sequoia – “The Jumbo Steel Sunblocker” – I basically hate this for the same reasons as the Highlander, but I hate it about ten times more.

The world would be a far better place if none of these cars existed.

Why no HUMMERs on this list? Because I think it’s obvious that they’re fairly awful. As they do on the road, they’d just take up space on this list, being all obviously awful, that’s why.

Tear off the band-aid

Here are some President Obama quotes from his first address to senior White House staff back in January:

“However long we are keepers of the public trust, we should never forget that we are here as public servants…”

True. And when a chunk of the public asks you to release all the torture memos, you have an obligation to acquiese.

“The Freedom of Information Act is perhaps the most powerful instrument we have for making our government honest and transparent, and of holding it accountable.”

True, which is why the FIA is a legitimate way to force the government to cough up the dirt.

“The old rules said that if there was a defensible argument for not disclosing something to the American people, then it should not be disclosed. That era is now over. Starting today, every agency and department should know that this administration stands on the side not of those who seek to withhold information, but those who seek to make it known.”

There is indeed a defensible argument for not disclosing the memos – they may hinder future investigations and could theoretically put American troops and civilians at risk in the testier parts of the world where teh Bushies plucked people to torture. Perhaps, but that is also the same reason the Bushies used to redact and hold back, well, any and every memo and document they possibly could, no matter how inconsequential. Whenever something leaked, they told us it harmed the troops. The thing is, troops are already in harm’s way in Iraq and Afghanistan. We’re at war in these countries, and our enemies are merciless. They aren’t going to be slightly more merciful simply because Obama decides to withhold details.

“Going forward, any time the American people want to know something that I or a former president wants to withhold, we will have to consult with the attorney general and the White House counsel, whose business it is to ensure compliance with the rule of law…”

I haven’t heard a lot from the DOJ or counsel about Obama’s decision to keep stuff opaque, but I’m pretty sure if he in fact did consult with them, they’d say Obama has no legal case, save the aforementioned national security fear.

“Information will not be withheld just because I say so. It will be beheld — withheld because a separate authority believes my request is well grounded in the Constitution…”

If Obama held true to this promise, he wouldn’t have pussy-footed with the extent of the release of torture-related information. The seperate authority may ultimately be the Congress or the Courts, if they have the balls to override him.

“Let me say it as simply as I can. Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency.”

A touchstone, perhaps, but Obama has clearly made an exception. To be fair, this statement allows exceptions, because he never said “no exceptions.” But it’s still a little disconcerting dealing with another President who thinks he knows best when it comes to how much we should know. That isn’t his job. His job is to protect us, but not coddle us.

There are cases where the government has to keep secrets in the interest of national security, but withholding the war crimes of the previous administration is not one of them. Whatever shitstorm erupts out of the (hopefully eventual) release, we need to understand that past transgressions cannot be skipped over or cherry-picked. What’s done is done, and the consequences cannot be avoided due to a President’s whim.

I like to think of the world would prefer we confess all the country’s past sins – not cover them up with flimsy, tired excuses – and the sooner the better. Tear off the band-aid. Sometimes a wound needs fresh air to heal.

Airbags + power + airbags + power +…

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety and excessive power are two major factors that have contributed splendidly to the American auto industry’s near-demise.

First, putting more and more horsepower and torque in the hands of easily distracted, impatient, short-tempered drivers who aren’t any more skilled than they were in the age of 90-horse family sedans is simply asking for trouble, and trouble we get, to the tune of tens of thousands of deaths every year.

Second, to attempt to mitigate the accidents caused by too many morons with too much power and too many distractions, cars are loaded down with so many safety features, curb weights are nearly doubled. People complain about cars being sluggish, so more power is added to help cart around the extra mass from the safety package.

It’s a vicious cycle, totally contrary to the proper direction we should be going: building adequately powered, light, maneuverable, easy-to-build and cheap-to-buy, and efficient motorcars – and training people to drive them safely and properly.

If we continue on the current cycle – government agencies continuing to ratchet up regulations in an effort to achieve the impossible – to stop everyone from dying, ever – we’ll end up driving 28-ton cars made of solid granite powered by 16-cylinder marine engines, and no amount of stiumulus will be able to keep up with the upkeep of roads and highways that will crumble ever faster under the added bulk.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Cheney

I’m  going to go against my better judgment and offer what is at worst a Devil’s Advocate position and at best an evolved sensability to the current situation regarding former Vice President Richard Cheney’s continued media blitz (man, that ‘former’ at the front of his title really ties it together.)

Dick Cheney is doing exactly what he and Bush said on numerous occasions bordered on anti-American treason when it was done to them: persistent and unabashed attacks on the policies of the executive branch in power in a time of war. Although unlike the grass-smokin’ libs who slammed him and Bush, he feels justified because he isn’t convinced his role as Grand Protector of America is finished, and believes the Obama administration – by rolling back the illegal policies instututed in the Bush years and making efforts to piece the tattered, charred, buckshot-ridden Constitution back together – is in fact doing direct harm to Americans by doing so.

Nevermind that Cheney is from Wyoming, a state that no self-respecting jihadist would ever attack (because there’s hardly anyone there to kill); never mind that Cheney has no concrete proof for any of his accusations, nor any concrete proof that Bush administration’s policies prevented attacks – all he has are assumptions, presumptions, anecdotes and heresay – perhaps typical of a businessman trying to be a lawyer.

Just as Cheney’s actions were so carefully orchestrated and manicured it would create a huge shitstorm to attempt to prosecute him for anything, the arguments Cheney provides to the people – 53% of whom voted for Obama – are without merit and show a continued disrespect to the public’s intelligence.

Cheney is now, and has always, spoken to the weakest of minds of our country, using primal emotions like fear to frame his arguments rather than frivolous things like evidence or common sense. He believes that simply naming torture something else makes it not torture, and that ends always justify the means, regardless of the residual damage done. His responses in interviews about whether Bush knew of or approved of some of the policies enacted were also frighteningly vague.

But I say let him bray on. While his rants may serve to futher confuse and distort the opinions of the ignorant and uninformed who actually prefer to live their lives in constant fear of something, anything, when placed beside the calm, cool demeanor and sure-handedness of the current administration, Cheney simply sounds a small, petty, and bitter old man to everyone else. Especially considering the administration failed in every single category it was possible to fail in, except perhaps humanitarian aid to Africa. Cheney is clearly a firm believer in the “Audacity of Fear.”

What did Al Gore do when he was no longer Vice President (or when the Supreme Court voted for Bush instead of him?) He made an initially compelling film about the environmental crisis caused by carbon consumption. I say initially, because it turns out the scientific community has not yet reached a consensus about the causes of global warming, contrary to Gore’s beliefs, and furthermore Gore lost points for using the same tactics of fear in his presentation as Cheney and Bush used to attempt to mold the people to agree to their dastardly foreign and domestic machinations.

So let the man speak. Just…cover your ears. And if he has a gun, duck, for he might think you are one.

Keep on Trekkin’

I need to write something about this new Star Trek re-imagined film I saw last night and will see again soon, but as with all good films I find it hard to put my like of it into concrete, useful language. Perhaps part of that is the sudden satisfaction of finally seeing a proper 21st century, big-budget treatment the franchise has always had potential for and deserved. By sudden, I mean it’s been more than five years since the last Trek film, and more than 13 since the last Trek film that was any good, First Contact. That’s a drought that spans the entire lifetimes of my father’s sisters’ two kids.

The past few years have been filled by Battlestar, but let’s face it; Battlestar will never be Star Trek. It doesn’t have the heritage or the same sense of nostalgia. I didn’t watch the old Battlestar crap, nor would I ever; I simply missed the boat on it. So the re-imagining of Battlestar by Trek veteran Ron Moore wasn’t a re-imagining to me at all. To me, it was more his vision of what Voyager should’ve been if he’d had full creative control: a down and dirty, desperate, dire, dystopic situation where everything is not going to be okay, but may be after all because of love, or something. And god(s) and angels.

There shouldn’t have been time on Voyager for Trek’s primary mission of exploration, because you’re too busy trying not to starve or be killed by hostile aliens. And certainly not enough power to run the holodecks 26 hours a day. No boldly going, because they’ve boldly already gone. Now it’s boldy don’t die.

DS9 was political and often military sci-fi set on a station that didn’t move, and as a little kid I wondered how that would work. It also sought to take Gene’s optimistic Utopia and show what would happen if suddenly that intergalactic paradise was besieged by a bloody and lasting war that even uprooted the crew from the serie’s namesake station for long periods of time. Not only that, the large cast was given depth and development over the years, both to their characters and the way they interacted.

It beat previous Treks at the Space Opera game by creating lasting, evolving, complex relationships, situations, and plights – not merely episodic ones – and at it’s best, used the full specturm of gray between good and evil and didn’t take moral shortcuts. War is hell, and both sides had good reasons to fight them, even if one side was depicted as misguided.

You’ll notice I haven’t said anything about the only Trek to make it to HD – Star Trek: Enterprise. I don’t really have anything to say about it. It had some watchable episodes, but it just wasn’t a good show, and I’m not sad it was scrapped. It recycled too much, and the crew beyond the Captain/Vulcan/Engineer trio was awful cardboard; scarcely more than extras with lines that just happened to be in every episode.

Okay, so this new film. It’s easiest to start with the special effects, because you can’t have sci-fi without them. I’ve been spoiled by Zoic’s superb FX on Battlestar (and Firefly) for all these years, so my standards for TV visuals are quite high. That said, I wasn’t disappointed; this film had double the budget of Nemesis and they spent every penny well, in my opinion. Watching the new retro-cool Enterprise dart around the screen dodging debris and firing all weapons was a delight, as was the Gaudi-esque Romulan mining ship.

I was weary of two consecutive Trek films with a vengeful Romulan villian, but Shinzon has nothing on Nero. Both are unhinged, but in different ways. Nero has scars on his head and a chomped ear. I’ve heard a lot of “why do they all have Maori tattoos?” Who cares? This is a mining ship of a certain social set of Romulans, not meant to represent all Romulans. Nero makes it clear they’re in business for themselves; not affiliated with their homeworld’s military. It would be like aliens seeing a crew of goths or emo chicks and believing they represented the full spectrum of human diversity. It isn’t fair. Nero has a loyal crew, a beat-up but powerful ship that can drill into planets, and a screw loose.

What surprised me was that not only was Nero not a military commander, he isn’t even from the same timeline as the Enterprise crew. He comes from the same future as old Spock, who makes his first big screen appearence since VI. Only like the old Ambassador Spock whom Picard met in TNG, this Spock embraces rather than suppresses his human side. In this alternate past in which Nero has exacted “a planet for a planet” justice upon Old Spock, Old Spock knows the only way to stop Nero from destroying Earth is to get Kirk into the captain’s chair, which is where he belongs.

A word on the cast: brilliant, I thought. Fresh blood literally breathed new life in a franchise that had gathered quite a bit of dust. Up until now the same actors had played the TOS roles, and all the films and series that followed either had those same actors, new characters, or a combination of both. So this is the first time familiar characters have literally new faces.

I for one did not find this jarring in the least. Chris Pine is extremely abrasive and straddles the line between confident and douchebaggy, but he is exactly how I envisioned a wet-behind-the-ears Kirk, particularly if he never knew his biological father.

Despite their brief screen time, it’s clear George Kirk, and the Kelvin’s Captain, Robau, are brave and honorable men, Starfleet men – who lay their lives down without complaint or hesitation to save the lives of their crew. Unless you believe in Rousseau, those qualities trickled down to George’s son; but considering how spoiled children can get in this century, it’s understandable that a young Iowan on a planet with no hunger, want, disease or war could get bored and act out. But he isn’t just a hick who’ll succumb to natural selection; he has a head on his shoulders, he’s just rudderless. This is not a new story, but I see no reason why the iconic Kirk’s career couldn’t start out as a classic Hero’s Journey, as it does in this film.

I initially worried that I wouldn’t take Zach Quinto seriously because I saw so much of him as Sylar (before the strike; then I stopped watching Heroes.) Fortunately, those worries were unfounded, as Quinto is superb as young Spock. He has the good balance of Vulcan know-it-allism and logic and, as a youngster, shows more of the primal, emotional core that every Vulcan learns ultimately not to simply stuff down, but learn to live with. Being half-human makes this harder for Spock, and it’s portrayed well here, both when he’s a young kid and as a young adult.

Kirk and Spocks’ father figures – respectively Pike and Sarek, are also well-cast and suitibly sage. Sarek isn’t a typical Vulcan either; he has more curiosity and appreciation for humanity than the typical Vulcan, and whenever he’s nearby, I feel like Spock is greatly steadied, which is what a father should project. Pike, like the Kelvin’s Robau, is a Starfleet man; not altogether fearless, but steadfast in his duty to face whatever comes at him standing tall. Pike knew Kirk’s dad, and obviously can help but see those same Starfleet qualities beneath the bar-brawling, rebellious, attention-whoring exterior. He also knows how to talk to young rogues, and mold them into loyal officers – the bar is cleared of cadets with one (loud) whistle. He expertly delivers the kick in the pants that Kirk needs to move on with his life.

I liked Karl Urban’s take on McCoy from the start, and also glad to finally know the real reason his nickname is “Bones.” McCoy, like Pike, can see through Kirk’s armor and generously doesn’t hold it against him, and their friendship evolves quite naturally. McCoy hates technology just as much as Kirk hates authority, so they can certainly relate.

But unlike so many Trek films, this isn’t just about the Kirk-Spock-McCoy triad; Thankfully, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov and Scotty had entertaining introductions as well. Zoe Saldana, John Cho, Anton Yelchin and Simon Pegg all do a good job of channelling a melange of the original character with something new and refreshing. I wasn’t surprised that Scotty’s wild engineering ideas could get him in trouble; nor that Sulu didn’t know jujitsu, but was handy with a sword, or that Chekov could confound the computer’s voice ID. With the limited time they had this film managed to stuff an admirable amount of introductory material. That said, I look forward to a sequel where all the origin stuff is out of the way and the fully-assembled crew gets to be on a normal mission.

The fact that an alternate timeline was created doesn’t bug me. That Old Spock in a future Federation not covered in the current canon caused a time wrinkle that changed history was a clever – and in the Trek universe, plausible – way for filmmakers to say they’re not just making up a new origin story for the sake of newness. The regular Trek timeline we know of ended when Spock opened up that singularity, and this is how things turned out.

As Rom said in the mirror universe (in DS9): “Everything’s the same…just…alternate” is true; its the same Earth, Vulcan, Federation, Enterprise, Kirk, Spock, & Co., they just arrived at where they were differently from that original timeline. Thus, Star Trek was quite literally rebooted. And I have to say this is the best reboot I could have hoped for. Thank God Star Trek is fianally back, and relevant again.